Marriage

10 years of Marriage. 10 takeaways.

I am not an expert in marital or any other relationships, however I will try and list the things that have helped me cross the 10 year mark.

I got married on the 10th anniversary of 9/11. Here are the 10 key things which I found are important

1. Equality

21st century is going to be the century of what they call the “symmetrical marriage,” or the “pure marriage,” or the “companionate marriage.”

Above quote is from Helen FIsher’s 2006 TED talk link. And indeed. 21st century is about a marriage between equals. Your partner is your equal in every aspect, bar none. This is the first and the most important principle.

2. Choice

If you have occassional doubts about the choices and judgement of your partner, always remember that “you” were also their choice. They chose you and discounting your partners choices is undermining yourself

3. एक चिड़िया जिसके सिर पर पैर

Equality of everyone. Rough translation - A bird which has a head, wings and legs.

4. New set of parents

Eauality of parents. You get a new set of parents after marriage. They are now also equal in every way to your own parents by birth. The amount of love, affection and respect you show to your new parents should not be different in any way. This takes some time to internalize, but the sooner you realize the equivalence, the better. It will help simplify a lot of decisions that you make.

5. Health

Equality in health. Your partner’s health is your responsibility, and vice versa. Indian marriage rituals codify this into the wedding vows. If one is able to follow a good chunk of their wedding vows, then relationships are expected to benefit from the distilled wisdom which has been refined over several generations. As they say - in sickness and in health.

6. Happiness

Equality in happiness. Every individual in a relationship needs to work on it. There are several good reasons to build a shared future together. You need to work on finding yours.

7. Finance

Equality of assets. Any income should be divided equally between the partners. There is one school of thought which keeps finances separate. However, matters of finance are rarely that simple. I apply the first principle of equality here as well. All assets should either be joint accounts, or financial assets of each partner should be roughly equal. Overall, it is a matter of trust. There is no reason that majority investments are held by one of the partners. Bottomline is to have transparency and keep things as equal as possible.

8. Budget

Equal say in the Budget. Have a monthly / quarterly / annual budget. Stick to it. Purchase decisions for all items above a certain price point should be made jointly. This may make the decisions harder and slower, but tries to make the spending part of the equation fair. Define a budget and stick to it.

For larger purchase decisions like land, apartment, four wheeler etc. do make sure to loop in both set of parents into the decision. Even if the final decision is yours, it is very important to take parents inputs on larger monetary decisions

9. Chores

Equality in duties. Life is short, one is not going to get to do everything. Things get tricky in terms of splitting duties. It is incredibly difficult to make things equal and fair here. This part is something that one needs to negotiate continously. A lot of items would simply be unfair to either partner, however as long as each partner applies the first prninciple of equality, things should be workable.

10. Communicate

Keep it simple and unfiltered. Any expectations, which are not said out loud, can get lost in translation. Over-communication may hurt sometimes but under-communication can inflict much more pain.

This list is far from comprehensive, and I am sure I have missed several important points. Do watch Helen Fisher’s talk, here is the link again.

Best, Umang